It's been 8 years today. 8 years since I've heard you speak or seen your face light up when you laughed. It's been 2,920 days since I've held your hand, always calloused and permanently stained from working on your cars. It's almost been a decade since I've heard you say,"I love you" or call me your little girl.
The memories I have of you I try to keep as vivid as I can, like the way you used to sit (usually your right leg crossed over the left, your right arm propping up your face if you were leaning) or your scent (I still open up your cologne every now and then).
I remember waking up at any time during the night and always finding you at the kitchen table holding a cup of Jamaican Blue coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I remember your spontaneity as you told all of us to pack up and get in the RV. I remember your goofy hats and your even goofier shirts. I remember mandatory NASCAR Sundays and your never changing oldies music choices.
In these last years you've missed birthdays, promotions, holidays and big moves, weddings and family reunions. You've missed graduations, first cars, first car wrecks, performances and monumental trips. You weren't here for mom's big fight or for her victory, or the birth of your first beautiful grandson.
Although these memories are sweet I hate that I can't picture your face in those moments.
In some respects this has gotten easier. I don't cry at the mention of the word cancer and I can talk about you freely in conversation. Time has offered it's healing and in it's place created distance- I can't remember the last time I dreamt of you and now I have to strain to remember the feeling of your scratchy beard kisses. It breaks my heart to admit that these things are starting to fade so I'll keep clinging to what I have retained and further engrain them in my thoughts.
We'll never really get over this-only through it and that's all I can tell myself right now. Just make it through today.
I miss you, Dad.
I love you with all that's in me.
- your little girl
Very well written, Danielle. It had me in tears. I was just thinking yesterday that it's been right at 8 years. I didn't realize how close to the very anniversary it was.
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