Are you absolutely positive?

For the last few months I've been trying to wrap my head around the kind of love that God has for us. I had no idea what I was getting myself into with this undertaking and I've barely just scratched the surface of His unconditional love. 

 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. - Romans 8:37-39

I grew up in a very loving and supportive household. I was told that I was loved every single day but my response was always and still is, "Are you sure?" 

I remember asking my mother that question and a few times and her reply was a little bit edgy, kind of frustrated, "Yes. Yes, Danielle. I love you." Then, because of my insecurity, my head was filled with thoughts like,"Oh no! She's mad at me!" when in reality she was just tired of constantly soothing my irrational fear that I had somehow found a way to remove her love. 

I was never given a reason to be skeptical of her sincerity. I think I was born with uncertainty, with a craving for reassurance. I still maintain that I must have came out of the womb saying,"Hey....Are you guys sure you want me?..." 

So this mindset has carried me through life; always prepared for people to take my provided scapegoat, giving everyone a second chance for them to retract their statement of love. Never truly trusting that I was capable of being loved unconditionally. 

As of late, this distrust has been brought to light in reference to my relationship with Christ. 

I've heard that He loves me, I know that He does, but I need to believe it in order to trust it. 

As all of this was rambling through my head Sunday morning, I started writing and it spiraled off into the following:

'There are no conditions with this love. My love is deep, my love is of the purest motive. My love is for the person you were, the person you are, and the person I am creating you to be. 

My love is extravagant, overflowing with security and unending grace. My love needs no reassurance for I made you who you are with a purpose. 

Don't doubt my work, don't refuse the peace I am offering you with the promise that you are exactly who I want you to be. I have made you aware of the brokenness that surrounds you to fulfill your calling. 

I have allowed your situations and circumstances to further my kingdom. Who better to usher in the lost than those who remember so vividly the times when they themselves refused my covering? 

Beloved, trust in Me. Trust in who I say you are, in what I've called you to be. 

I have seen your engrained perversity, the darkest parts of your being and still I am here waiting. Waiting for you to accept this divine love, to take hold of the promises I have for you.'

I don't know what this is or where it came from but I do know that when I read it back, I felt loved. 

And I didn't even question it. 

  Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You. - Psalm 63:3 

Bleach

This is my favorite shirt. I would wear this thing every single day if no judgement was passed by people who see me on a regular basis. 

Last week I wore this favored item to work and I went home looking like I rolled around in coffee grounds and basil pesto spread. I felt disgusting, repulsive.

Now stay with me for a second. 

Sometimes my walk with the Lord feels exactly like that white T. 

I'll start the day off bright white, trusting in Him, believing in Him then I make mistakes and get messy. I make decisions that either push me further away from Him or distract from His infinite goodness and love. 

When the realization of how far away I am sets in this usually leads into a crashing wave of shame and I make unrealistic promises like,"I'll never talk to another person again! I'll lock myself up in the house and never set eyes on anything but my Bible!" (If you think that was thrown in for the dramatics, you'd be wrong.) 

I was having this internal argument about how I should live my life and what exactly I should deem acceptable when He pretty much slapped me out of hysterics and pulled me to Romans 7:18

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out."

And 1 Peter 5:10

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."

He knows I'm clumsy and He knows I'll fall down. Life happens- life gets dirty. I will make mistakes. There will be days that I trip over the hole in the floor and make a mess out of everything then spend the rest of the day feeling gross and covered in sludge. No use crying over spilled coffee(did I just say that?...), just bleach the crap out of that white T and flip the the switch to heavy duty. 

I'll never be so dirty that He can't put my life through the washing machine and remove every stain. On my own I fall, I fail and disappoint but through Him this call for an undivided heart is made possible. 

"You keep trying, you WILL make it." 

- inspirational texts from Mom 

Daddy's little girl

"Take care of all your memories for you cannot relive them."- Bob Dylan 

It's been 8 years today. 8 years since I've heard you speak or seen your face light up when you laughed. It's been 2,920 days since I've held your hand, always calloused and permanently stained from working on your cars. It's almost been a decade since I've heard you say,"I love you" or call me your little girl. 

The memories I have of you I try to keep as vivid as I can, like the way you used to sit (usually your right leg crossed over the left, your right arm propping up your face if you were leaning) or your scent (I still open up your cologne every now and then). 

I remember waking up at any time during the night and always finding you at the kitchen table holding a cup of Jamaican Blue coffee in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I remember your spontaneity as you told all of us to pack up and get in the RV. I remember your goofy hats and your even goofier shirts. I remember mandatory NASCAR Sundays and your never changing oldies music choices. 

 In these last years you've missed birthdays, promotions, holidays and big moves, weddings and family reunions. You've missed graduations, first cars, first car wrecks, performances and monumental trips. You weren't here for mom's big fight or for her victory, or the birth of your first beautiful grandson. 

Although these memories are sweet I hate that I can't picture your face in those moments. 

In some respects this has gotten easier. I don't cry at the mention of the word cancer and I can talk about you freely in conversation.  Time has offered it's healing and in it's place created distance- I can't remember the last time I dreamt of you and now I have to strain to remember the feeling of your scratchy beard kisses. It breaks my heart to admit that these things are starting to fade so I'll keep clinging to what I have retained and further engrain  them in my thoughts. 

We'll never really get over this-only through it and that's all I can tell myself right now. Just make it through today. 

I miss you, Dad.

I love you with all that's in me. 

- your little girl