Five phases of a jobless Danielle

"It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.
I want to repeat one word for you:
Leave.
Roll the word around on your tongue for a bit. It is a beautiful word, isn't it? So strong and forceful, the way you have always wanted to be."-Donald Miller 

The adjustment from my move to Chicago has included a month long hunt for a new employer. After interviews and a billion applications I just became the newest member of the Victoria's Secret family! (Coffee to panties... It's not that different, right?) 

After I was done moon walking down the street in celebration of my new found reason to shower daily, I began to reflect on my last few weeks of blissful solitude/insanity. 

I feel like I should explain that I really do enjoy being alone- it's a necessity. I am like that stupid cordless screwdriver you have in your toolbox that needs 20 hours of recharge for 10 minutes of use, but even for the introvert too much alone time can cause you to do strange things... 

With that I'm preparing you for, The Five Phases of a Jobless Danielle. 

Phase #1: Freedom

Like I mentioned before, I require a lot of alone time. I just need solid silent me time to face the world-so the first few days were wonderful. I stayed in my pjs all day, had hour long dance parties in the apartment, squashed 2 seasons of American Horror Story and finished off the biography of David Foster Wallace. Glorious days. 

Phase #2: Self-reflection 

After the dance parties and the other mind numbing activities started to bore me, I sat. Just sat in the quiet. It's amazing what your mind gravitates to when there are no distractions. I began to recount every mistake I've ever made and replay situations over and over in my head. Surely you've all had those moments when you look at yourself in the mirror and all you can say is," What in the world have I become?!" 

This is a toxic phase and also extremely exhausting which brings me to phase #3...

Phase #3: Sleep 

I am a firm believer in naps but this sweet time waster was taken to a new level when that's literally all I did for days. My brother was convinced I had mono or that something was physically wrong with me when in reality I was just trying not to think. Also, it's freakin' cold here. My bed is warm. There was not much resistance on my end. 

Phase #4: Separation anxiety

I'm pretty sure this phase drove everyone in my world bonkers. I actually started craving conversation. Every call I received and every interaction I had I went into crazy ethusiastic Danielle."Hey! HEY! How are YOU? Tell me about your day. Explain your thoughts. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" 

...Yeah... 

Sorry about that, friends. 

And finally, 

Phase #5: Motivation 

This last phase was brought about by my dearest. Like I said previously, my separation anxiety phase had induced word vomiting all over anyone I had contact with and in the midst of my unceasing chatter I had stated that I felt useless, like I was never going to find anything and I wouldn't accomplish what I set out to do. To which he replied, "You are doing something. You felt like you needed to move and you did". And with that I was enlivened. I have already done something. I left my home. I left the comfort I had there. I'm out to have life changing, eye opening experiences. I'm in a new environment to soak in new opinions, views, lifestyles and grow from the exposure. 

It's time to warm this city up with my fire of enthusiasm! 

Cheesiest ending ever? Quite possibly.

Do I care? Not a chance. 

P.S. Do any of you do weird things when you're alone? If so, ease my mind and tell me about it. I can't be the only mad one... 

Choose Happy

I am a little late on the 2014 resolution bandwagon, mostly due to my unbelief in the ability for anyone in the history of ever to stick with and accomplish their "this year will be different" goals, but here I am... 

Proverbs 14:13- "Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness."

Recently, I had a dear friend ask me what I wanted from life, I think the expectation for my answer was something along the lines of "I want a career" or "I want a family" and instead my response was simply "I want to be happy". As soon as that came out of my mouth I realized that was the wrong answer. Panic started to set in (complete with sweaty palms and awkward fidgeting), I had said too much. I had opened up a chance for someone to take a peak under my facade.

My struggle with depression and anxiety has always been something I've been ashamed of but also two things that I have relied upon over the past years. In a weird way it's always been a comfort knowing that if something goes wrong I have the ability to slip back into despair, creep back into my selfish abyss because that is where I've grown the most comfortable. To me, happiness has always seemed like a byproduct of circumstance. Thoughts like, "Well, I can't be happy because this happened" or "I can't be happy until I accomplish this". I have always felt that my moments of true happiness have been so few and far between that when they happen I get antsy and uncomfortable, always waiting for something to go wrong. I rarely sit back and enjoy those moments because I'm on the defense preparing to be sideswiped. 

In the middle of talking about this I was told,"Just don't feel that way anymore." To which I scoffed and thought about how ridiculous that sounded. I can't just turn off my sad button and turn on the happy?...

Or can I? 

The more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. I make a choice every morning to wake up and blanket myself with my routine self-hating thoughts. I am the biggest reason that I can't get out of this cycle. I am the reason I'm not getting better. I have given up trying. I have given up fighting. I sit on the sidelines and wait for my turn at happiness but it has been in my hands this entire time. I just haven't called it mine. 

That is changing this year.

I am breaking my constant loop of self hating thoughts. I will start each day expecting great things. I will love wholeheartedly and accept and trust the love of others. I will not be a traitor to my own soul by tainting every blessing that comes along with the worry that God isn't going to get my life right. I will let go of my bitterness which has led me to believe that God has gotten my life wrong. 

Today I am claiming joy. 

Look out 2014, I'm putting my happy pants on. 

Phillipians 4:4- "Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice."