Choose Happy

I am a little late on the 2014 resolution bandwagon, mostly due to my unbelief in the ability for anyone in the history of ever to stick with and accomplish their "this year will be different" goals, but here I am... 

Proverbs 14:13- "Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness."

Recently, I had a dear friend ask me what I wanted from life, I think the expectation for my answer was something along the lines of "I want a career" or "I want a family" and instead my response was simply "I want to be happy". As soon as that came out of my mouth I realized that was the wrong answer. Panic started to set in (complete with sweaty palms and awkward fidgeting), I had said too much. I had opened up a chance for someone to take a peak under my facade.

My struggle with depression and anxiety has always been something I've been ashamed of but also two things that I have relied upon over the past years. In a weird way it's always been a comfort knowing that if something goes wrong I have the ability to slip back into despair, creep back into my selfish abyss because that is where I've grown the most comfortable. To me, happiness has always seemed like a byproduct of circumstance. Thoughts like, "Well, I can't be happy because this happened" or "I can't be happy until I accomplish this". I have always felt that my moments of true happiness have been so few and far between that when they happen I get antsy and uncomfortable, always waiting for something to go wrong. I rarely sit back and enjoy those moments because I'm on the defense preparing to be sideswiped. 

In the middle of talking about this I was told,"Just don't feel that way anymore." To which I scoffed and thought about how ridiculous that sounded. I can't just turn off my sad button and turn on the happy?...

Or can I? 

The more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. I make a choice every morning to wake up and blanket myself with my routine self-hating thoughts. I am the biggest reason that I can't get out of this cycle. I am the reason I'm not getting better. I have given up trying. I have given up fighting. I sit on the sidelines and wait for my turn at happiness but it has been in my hands this entire time. I just haven't called it mine. 

That is changing this year.

I am breaking my constant loop of self hating thoughts. I will start each day expecting great things. I will love wholeheartedly and accept and trust the love of others. I will not be a traitor to my own soul by tainting every blessing that comes along with the worry that God isn't going to get my life right. I will let go of my bitterness which has led me to believe that God has gotten my life wrong. 

Today I am claiming joy. 

Look out 2014, I'm putting my happy pants on. 

Phillipians 4:4- "Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice."