Proverbs 14:13- "Even in laughter the heart is sorrowful; and the end of that mirth is heaviness."
Recently, I had a dear friend ask me what I wanted from life, I think the expectation for my answer was something along the lines of "I want a career" or "I want a family" and instead my response was simply "I want to be happy". As soon as that came out of my mouth I realized that was the wrong answer. Panic started to set in (complete with sweaty palms and awkward fidgeting), I had said too much. I had opened up a chance for someone to take a peak under my facade.
My struggle with depression and anxiety has always been something I've been ashamed of but also two things that I have relied upon over the past years. In a weird way it's always been a comfort knowing that if something goes wrong I have the ability to slip back into despair, creep back into my selfish abyss because that is where I've grown the most comfortable. To me, happiness has always seemed like a byproduct of circumstance. Thoughts like, "Well, I can't be happy because this happened" or "I can't be happy until I accomplish this". I have always felt that my moments of true happiness have been so few and far between that when they happen I get antsy and uncomfortable, always waiting for something to go wrong. I rarely sit back and enjoy those moments because I'm on the defense preparing to be sideswiped.
In the middle of talking about this I was told,"Just don't feel that way anymore." To which I scoffed and thought about how ridiculous that sounded. I can't just turn off my sad button and turn on the happy?...
Or can I?
The more I thought about it the more it made sense to me. I make a choice every morning to wake up and blanket myself with my routine self-hating thoughts. I am the biggest reason that I can't get out of this cycle. I am the reason I'm not getting better. I have given up trying. I have given up fighting. I sit on the sidelines and wait for my turn at happiness but it has been in my hands this entire time. I just haven't called it mine.
That is changing this year.
I am breaking my constant loop of self hating thoughts. I will start each day expecting great things. I will love wholeheartedly and accept and trust the love of others. I will not be a traitor to my own soul by tainting every blessing that comes along with the worry that God isn't going to get my life right. I will let go of my bitterness which has led me to believe that God has gotten my life wrong.
Today I am claiming joy.
Look out 2014, I'm putting my happy pants on.
Phillipians 4:4- "Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice."
